I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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