I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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