Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
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We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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