he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
