I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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