She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
