Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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