dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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