my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
