There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
