A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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