so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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