i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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