my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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