i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
please don't ironically join a cult
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