Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
