Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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