I faked an abortion last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
