dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Randomize
