literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
