I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
