I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
