The maid of honor just puked.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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