My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
