my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
