my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
