We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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