i think my tv is drunk
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
