one might say we're banned from that church
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
