You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
