if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
