i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
