the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
