i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
