I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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