I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
