I am in a vortex of obligation.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
