I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
