there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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