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I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
