he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
