I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
