when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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