You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
