apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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