What did we do last night that was yellow?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
