I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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