I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
