Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
