Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
