shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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