Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
