Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
