I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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