My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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