haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
