The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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